Recovery

Seems like you have a busy weekend there. I haven't heard from you since last night. Well, of course i left you a message but you probably haven't read that too. I do hope you would send me some regards.

It's been quite hard for me this few days. Have to think bout homework and some personal stuff. If there's a way to kill my personal thought i'll definitely do it because it is killing me first. I hate to admit but i really on the rainbow walk again. Geez, can my life get any boring with this? I've been so hurt already and yet i have to face all the truth lying up front at my face. 

Maybe it is just the mood swing talking but i thought i recovered from that already. Apparently i haven't. When can i get over with this? sigh...

Trying to Forget

It was last night. I dreamed of you again. It was quite some time since i last dreamed of you. I don't know what to say. It hurts so much every time you appeared. It's just a dream so why would you hunt me? Are you trying to give me a fantasy that will never even happen? Please forgive me for not trying... not trying to forget you.

I really wished that you could stay. But then when i was waking up you would disappear. I couldn't help but watch you left me like that - alone again. I could imagine if you're really show up in front of me, i will definitely hug you tightly. So tight that i could only feel all of you in me. So tight that i could hear your heart beat and feel you warm breath. 

If there is a chance. I will take that chance. To be with you FOREVER. I LOVE YOU. 

Love The Feeling of LOVE

How does it feels when you actually look down at your watch waiting for someone special to find you? Not anyone special as in best friends but intimidate relationship friends? yea... I'm in love already but i don't sense the love-in-the-air kind of love. all i know of is someone always holding the faith on me hoping that we can be with each other forever.

I am desperate for that, but i'm not crazy enough to jump into a messy one. I'm sure that i'm holding on the right one. At least for now. We're struggling for 1 month now and it's more likely to be stable soon. Even i know we're not the cuddling kind of couple but we do support each other in needy times. During the worst time, i ever thought that  we might not be couple till the end of the day, we may be just soul mates for each other. 

It's easy to find someone whom you love but the other way round it tough. Dang tough... Even though deep down inside me i know that there'll be someone loving me as much as i love that person too, it's hard to convince too as i really haven't encounter yet! Craze... 

Have a great night peeps.. love you all!

Addictive Vs Dedicative

It always feel right to be in love especially when you already know that the right person showed up. But don't you ever feel that being alone is much better too? This is why you might miss the right one out and let the wrong one occupy you. How do you know if that's the right one? Ask yourself and listen to the voice inside you. You'll eventually know if that's the right one. He/She may not be walking with you to the very end but at least it's right for that moment.

You can be addicted to love but you must dedicate yourself to love. It's never to late to let go unless you think it's not worth letting go. When he/she sacrifice so much for you and yet you still think that appearance is worth more than everything then you're a very stingy and lousy person! Appearance is important but it's never more important than the heart and feeling the both of you share. When you can conquer that appearance are something temporary then you're on the right track and ready to move one. Don't let anything tiny cloud the both of you. Even the lousiest past can be a horrible disaster but it's already a past tense. Don't mention unless you think it's going to bring effects in the relationship.

There was once i loved a person but i still love. Why? Because i know it's right and it's correct. There is nothing wrong about the appearance. No one is such person even i myself can be a lil naive in times. I'm not ready to let go YET! But one day, whether or not, will be the right one, we'll see...

Truth vs Misunderstanding

Back again from all the absence and time really pass like MAD... Things happened so fast and so many. I wonder why 2011 is such a bad beginning already. But i'm never down for whatever is up because i'm always being the icon of people around me and they all kinda depend on my emotion. A single twist and hip can cause a lot of trouble around already. 

What is so much of the trouble that happened to me? All i could say is hiding and hiding. Friends around me are hiding, may be not really hiding but they're just not telling the situation to me. All they know is not telling will cause less trouble but don't they know that when they don't tell they're really hurting the person more which is me  for the matter of fact. Why? It's easy. When i come to know of the real situation, i'm not likely to be blamed but i still blamed myself for being such a lousy and extra. 

I haven't say anything yet to the one whom i had hurt deeply. I truly wish that people can just get over with it as in we are more than friends already and what's more is that you know i do stupid things like that yet you take it to the heart so much. If you don't see the big picture of it i can't make you see it too you know? We are already being so close and we shared maybe not yet the hardest but we've already been through things that you may not have to go through with others and that should make you think of it. I can talk and laugh and joke about anything but nothing can be done when you're still shrugging your shoulders and showing the stupid and lousy attitude towards me. It sure brings me to the point where i won't do anything more. But, but, but, I'm still here and always. Never gone. I'm sure no one can give you the advice i gave and no one can give you the insights i gave as well. Surely, it's always yourself to judge what am i to you and where do i stand inside you. Fair? Farewell.

Before the ending of the post, where do i find all the strength to fight all the hardships when and especially when i'm all by myself? Ask from a prayer. I just hold on no matter what disaster, hold on as tight as i can and you'll find that it's actually not such a bad day after all... 

Night With Confession

What's wrong with you? You should change!  Be a MAN! You are not suppose to be like that!

Phrases by phrases cutting through my wound opening it wide and spreading the pain more. I can't help but to agree and think about it. So, I'm blessed with wonderful family, unique voice, different appearance, amazing friends, great advising technique but without knowledge. However, you're missing another piece, 7 years of life without drama but dramas from close friends. What? Why? I have nothing in me yet i helped people? I want to be helped! I want all the experience and lousy time but i don't. God is loving me too much to let me suffer that way but the another so that i will grow ever strong than anyone else. 

Another missing piece, is not me who doesn't want to change and following fate IS i don't know how to fight it back! Now i know but how strong and determine i can get to fight it? Time tells. When all the fate is tricking me, when all the luck is gone, when all wishes are not coming, inside and deep down i have hope. Hope with no way to go a new way appear and leading me into a new place where things are different from now and the way it should be. 

For the more(furthermore), Lord bless me with the heart to soul to care about you and why not blessing others with it? Because He knows that i can handle it better and probably suitable than any others. But you are to be cared nothing MORE or LESS than that! I have no autorithy to ignore that call but if you take it for granted and start to make that caring you is such a big deal than i CAN turn away and let whoever is there left to take care of you. Be grateful when someone is actually caring about you! Not thinking that why you cared so much? Don't get it? Then don't need to get it. Plus, you're not the first i'm caring of so don't be such ridiculous and make it a BIG DEAL!

I'm desperate, I'm thirsty, I'm waiting patiently for the right time. Everything happened and if there are more to happen then come on! I have nothing more to lose but more to gain. I seriously hoping for the real  me to emerge from me. I was told i have it in me but it's not portraying yet. When is the right time? Please., tell me.

Calling From Elders

Elders in this context i not literally the elder we have at home but rather the elder i have in heaven. I suddenly receive this call to talk to him about his problem. Why? i don't know because first i never talk to him second, he probably hates me. But, why is the call so strong and urging? Isit me or what?

My final for this semester i coming like few more days and i'm still blogging my way here. This is just not working... What should i do to get myself in the mood? Actually i am in the mood just that i am evaluating myself highly. And it's just effing.. 

If i can choose to find one thing to aid me right now. It would be a person whom i loved and who loved me more. If and if only, cupid would find the way to me...

Special? No way....

It's such a pleasant day to hang out with friends studying whole at at Starbucks! Ya Starbucks! It's something new for me as i never actually study at places like that but surprisingly we managed to study till like almost all of them! Cool right? But it's just being together and kill time makes the moment precious. Oh... We had like latte, mocha and caramel. You should try caramel if you want something sweet, latte as something more or less coffee -like and mint mocha for sweet and chocolaty...

But happy times just ends so fast and we had dinner together. Seems like having a meal sitting with him doesn't make things any weirder and OMG i haven't thank him for the drink he paid! Thank you for paying for my drink! (Hope you read though) Here comes the whole day of event. Something that is so much different from usual.

Looking back it's a lot of fun time but it's never fun for me until i finally realise that being someone dfferent is more than a burden to me already. If just one day, like i said, waking up, feeling all normal hagging out with bunch of guys, how cool will that be? If i would ever get that only day and particular chance... It's just me alone sometimes... (nevermind the words in the picture below)

Just need a warm hug and a whole bowl of ice cream to cheer me up! All the best for tomorrow!

Dedicate

If you're a huge fan of Zac Efron, you will defnitely love this very post! I'm dedicating this to all my friends that - love is indeed not a game so if you're holding onto one make sure it is tight and if you felt it loose on one side start to let it go and don't even think of looking back.

Then, when i was still thinking that am i always flirting with people too much, i began to think that i really do. My friends always say i flirt and seduce but that's not true.. It's just my way of communicating. Perhaps i do sometimes... (look at that on the below! sweet!)

But isn't that just human nature? May be it's just my own nature because i'm lacking of that. I should say i'm cursed from love. Duh... But for one thing., i always believe in love even though it's not blessed...

Emotion Takeover

It's not just me being shaky but it's my emothion causing it. I have already done the best and you (damn you) rejected my work just saying not related. How dare you even spite that out of your fat lips when you never show us a damn smaple of how to produce a perfect one like our philosophy lecture did? He sure is 1000x better than you miss! Think over it. to you it's easy but to us we never could understand what you want until you show us and you never do. So back of before i would ever explode!

Oh my... i seriously miss you so much English 2! Why you wan tot leave... if you haven't leave that fat a** would never come and tragedy like that would no happen. I wish you could drop by and say hi.Even though is dreaming would dream come through. Oh., SPM is like so soon too so, boy! you just have to work super hard to get over with it okays? I am sure you are going to be more than fine... Miss you...

Desperate Desires

I just saw my friend walking into a new relationship. In fact both of them are my friends and i do hope that they'll work well together. I don't think they have meet each other for at least 6 months but they're already committing in a relationship. And he first say "I love You" in the cinema theater. Isn't that so sweet? I seriously wish i could have it too.. But who knows?

  

If all i want is just to someone who loves me. The kind of intimacy love. Can you give me?

True Love

It's such a wonderful thing to find true love and realising that it's such a beautiful lie at the same time too. But i still wish all my friends all their best to maintain the relationship they have. Those who are just starting, those who are in deep love and those who are going to engage! Don't even tell yourself isit too early because everything happens for a reason.


I am now at the same time fighting for my own way to recovery. However, i trust that i will always find the reason why i have all this at some time in the future...


Before i run, my brother here again the day before he leaves for Singapore... Miss him so much!


Good day!

A truth

Truth hurts but truth makes me stronger. The moment i know that it is not meant to be mine i am so just devastated but at the same time i managed to make myself as strong too. I won't feel that bad until i get total reject so what's wrong with me?

I just love to have a new lil brother again. I never found that a little care would result in a true confront so... *smile* We were playing Taboo and he is just so good with his father. Lots of common stuff~

Deserves or not?

I don't know whether i deserves to be loved or to love someone. I always wanted to tell you how much you are in me. I couldn't spend a single day without reminding i must talk to you the next time we meet because we may not be meeting more than these....


A single reason for loving you is because Je vous aime

Differences and Alternatives

It's been such a long long time i haven't update my blog. Well, i finally faced the major problem of my life. Love and love more...

I have no choices and alternatives to choose from. Physically i'm very healthy and good but it's not just that i want. The physical that suits me is all i want. This physical is not giving me the confidence in finding love and approaching. If i ever want a normal life i need not have the differences between normal guy.

Then, inside of me containing to much of those stuff which guys don't need to have but i have most of it. Getting ready for everything, preparing being neat and taking good care of self. I just wish i'm not that discipline...

Lord, If things were to be different isn't it much better? Why can't I live the normal guy life and stay normal? I have to ask for more but a normal guy life one day. 

In Jesus name i pray, Amen

Turtle's Love

A non-fiction writing.

Turtle has been very lonely and pity for her as she has only few friends. She's badly hurt inside her heart from an evil turtle which causes her to lose faith in love.

Until one day, a big turtle spotted this poor turtle. They began to be friends and big turtle proposed his love towards her. However, she was too hurt to accept anymore relationship. Slowly, big turtle changes her and let her become strong. She's strong now. But, i wonder if the poor turtle can still accept a new relationship. Let time prove itself.

"I love you turtle. I won't let you go not even if you want me to."said big turtle...

Caring vs Loving

Why must you always say that you are lonely and you have no friends when you have so many? Just because you want more so you make everyone like me to feel sorry for you. I do admit that i like you. Sacrifices made are for you. But, what do you do in return? Throw away your old self and take in a new one? Is that good? I have no comment.

I care for you because love is the maniac behind. How bout you? You love to care or you care to love? I really would like to hear from you, miss.

Unaccpetable vs Acceptable

I just finish reading two persons' blog. They are a very good life example for me. Not example that i would follow on but example as how i would deal with this issue next time. I can't tolerate it. No matter what. I believe every human has the right to choose their couple but i can never ever convince myself to go into that sort of relationship. Please, what can you do for you other half? No...

Anywayz, they have their own life very very luxurious and fun for the past 4 years. I really do hope that it will bloom some day with the acceptance of society.

This is just what i don't want. What i want is you staying with me. Doesn't matter if your heart is still with him but i know that one day, any day you'll turn your back and find the right choice behind you. Trust you with my love and passion....

His Girl

There are things which i still couldn't accept. Evry moment my heart sinks and shakes. The moment you tell me things bout him. How sweet you are with him. How bad you missed him. I know, it's from your heart. But, how bout mine? Isit just not important and you could just throw aside? Hope i don't offence you.

True. The love that is not yet coming to me is still lost in the space. But, I do hope it wouldn't bring pain along with it. I'm not going to go through another moment like that. Please understand...

No matter what, your happiness is the first to me. Deep down watching your smile and laughter brings away the pain left in me...

Her Love

I'm not depressed not sad not jealous. I just can't stand in when seeing her weeping in front of me and complaining on the X whom she loved so much and got hurt so much... I don't understand why would she has to go through this. She can't accept her new love as the X has not been leaving her soul.

I'm sad, depress and jealous. Watching the love of your other half weeping unstoppable in front of you complaining of the X. Why would she has to suffer? And i suffer to watch the tears sliding through her cheek and chin. We're not here to be punish by love but is to enjoy the love.

Pray that she will be able to see her heart deep down inside and near her there are people who cares and worries about her. Waiting for her to come to his side. Her love, an expensive and priceless item...