It hurts... it truly hurts. But what can i do? It's your choice. You have your mind set and your thoughts. Somehow they're so different from what normally people has. So special that i'm still considering what should i do with you. 

NO doubt i really love you. You're so sweet, so kind, so cute, so funny and most of all... you have the warmth that i always seek for... 

If i go with you, would it be the last or just the beginning? Something that i dare not ask nor think about because it hurts...

Recovery

Seems like you have a busy weekend there. I haven't heard from you since last night. Well, of course i left you a message but you probably haven't read that too. I do hope you would send me some regards.

It's been quite hard for me this few days. Have to think bout homework and some personal stuff. If there's a way to kill my personal thought i'll definitely do it because it is killing me first. I hate to admit but i really on the rainbow walk again. Geez, can my life get any boring with this? I've been so hurt already and yet i have to face all the truth lying up front at my face. 

Maybe it is just the mood swing talking but i thought i recovered from that already. Apparently i haven't. When can i get over with this? sigh...

Trying to Forget

It was last night. I dreamed of you again. It was quite some time since i last dreamed of you. I don't know what to say. It hurts so much every time you appeared. It's just a dream so why would you hunt me? Are you trying to give me a fantasy that will never even happen? Please forgive me for not trying... not trying to forget you.

I really wished that you could stay. But then when i was waking up you would disappear. I couldn't help but watch you left me like that - alone again. I could imagine if you're really show up in front of me, i will definitely hug you tightly. So tight that i could only feel all of you in me. So tight that i could hear your heart beat and feel you warm breath. 

If there is a chance. I will take that chance. To be with you FOREVER. I LOVE YOU. 

You're Loved Already

The survival was hard for the pass 6 months... I didn't pass tho. Thinking back it was quite a great training.

After the rough game, i realise that to love her it's not easy. I couldn't act that i love her. All i can is to watch after her and do whatever she needs and offer all that i can. Sounds like drama but it is like that. She already has a boyfriend whom she loved so much. Even though they are having problems but they have very strong love in each other. What could i do?

If i could choose... I would choose to be normal. I know, normal is normal and not interesting but i don't think my relationship is going the right way.

I've changed and that's the best present i got from You, thank you, Lord!!

05-08-2011 =) I Still Love You, Pretty One =)

Love The Feeling of LOVE

How does it feels when you actually look down at your watch waiting for someone special to find you? Not anyone special as in best friends but intimidate relationship friends? yea... I'm in love already but i don't sense the love-in-the-air kind of love. all i know of is someone always holding the faith on me hoping that we can be with each other forever.

I am desperate for that, but i'm not crazy enough to jump into a messy one. I'm sure that i'm holding on the right one. At least for now. We're struggling for 1 month now and it's more likely to be stable soon. Even i know we're not the cuddling kind of couple but we do support each other in needy times. During the worst time, i ever thought that  we might not be couple till the end of the day, we may be just soul mates for each other. 

It's easy to find someone whom you love but the other way round it tough. Dang tough... Even though deep down inside me i know that there'll be someone loving me as much as i love that person too, it's hard to convince too as i really haven't encounter yet! Craze... 

Have a great night peeps.. love you all!

Addictive Vs Dedicative

It always feel right to be in love especially when you already know that the right person showed up. But don't you ever feel that being alone is much better too? This is why you might miss the right one out and let the wrong one occupy you. How do you know if that's the right one? Ask yourself and listen to the voice inside you. You'll eventually know if that's the right one. He/She may not be walking with you to the very end but at least it's right for that moment.

You can be addicted to love but you must dedicate yourself to love. It's never to late to let go unless you think it's not worth letting go. When he/she sacrifice so much for you and yet you still think that appearance is worth more than everything then you're a very stingy and lousy person! Appearance is important but it's never more important than the heart and feeling the both of you share. When you can conquer that appearance are something temporary then you're on the right track and ready to move one. Don't let anything tiny cloud the both of you. Even the lousiest past can be a horrible disaster but it's already a past tense. Don't mention unless you think it's going to bring effects in the relationship.

There was once i loved a person but i still love. Why? Because i know it's right and it's correct. There is nothing wrong about the appearance. No one is such person even i myself can be a lil naive in times. I'm not ready to let go YET! But one day, whether or not, will be the right one, we'll see...

A Narrative Part 2

After a while, Olie walked to the living room and switched on the TV. It was a fashion show program which is so weird. Perhaps her fashion freak sister forgot to switch it back to other channel when she last watched. Nonetheless, she continued to watch the show as well. The show was definitely a great one but she didn't enjoy any of it. The tv was obviously watching her. However, she just sank into the couch without any complaints but thoughts and thoughts flooding her mind.

"I wonder if i'm thinking too much? It's never easy to let go a relationship and i'm definitely not ready to let go. But i think i should make things clear right? Wished i could just call them now and meet up downtown to grab a glass of drink. It's high time for us to settle everything." she planned her journey for tomorrow before leaving the room and calling it a day.

The next day was a beautiful day. Sunshine and clear skies. It would cheer you if you had been there to witness the beautiful day yourself. But to Olie, it's not any special nor good day. A hard for her as she has to get everything in place before any more worse. She washed her face and put on her  makeup. Choosing the best clothes for that day and a handbag that would go perfectly for the outfit of the day. Of course, not missing the heels that would let her journey be more comfortable in.

She then walked down to the kitchen to have a glass of milk and perhaps some toast with peanut butter and jam. "I'm going to do it and i'm going to do it all by myself. Standing strong and standing firm." Holding her breakfast, she sat down the chair and began to enjoy her toast and milk. After cleaning up the place, she left the home and drove off to the cafe which she had booked the night before.

On the way to the cafe was so long for her. Though, the traffic was clear and not too much of jam around. It was 10.30 in the morning when she reach the cafe. Well, it was not that full inside but she chose to sit outside where she can feel the breeze blowing.

"10.45. 15 more minutes. Seems like i'm too early. Oh well..." she looked at her watch and someone stood beside her suddenly. It was the waiter who wanted to take her order but she didn't want anything yet. So she called him off. Then, someone walked towards her direction. It was Sally. Her BFF. At least that was what they use to call each other before. Sally pulled the chair and sat down opposite of her.

"You're always early, aren't you?"

"'cause i just think being late is not so good. That's all. I hope you know the purpose i want to meet you here this morning. I wish we don't need to walk this far but we did. Straight to the point, what are you having up your sleeves? I know you're hiding too much and i'm not questioning anything but i'm just too upset of being hidden and sided you know?  I really wish you didn't change." Olie answered but she couldn't look into her friend's eyes.

"Olie, why the problem has to be me? Why it couldn't be you? I never change and nobody changed here. Maybe the environment is different but i'm still the Sally you knew and always will be. You also have to know that everyone has their own space which they don't want anyone to interfere. And not everything has to be told, reported or acknowledged to you." Sally replied but there was no immediate answer from Olie. " We are friends, best friend, before, now and always. I never think that you felt this way and i don't mean to treat you as outsiders. It's just the space i need. I..."

"Understood" Olie interrupted. "I'm all clear, all i want to know is whether or not we are still friends and i already have my answer. Another thing..." she stopped for a moment and it was plain silent before she spoke again. "Do you want any drinks?" she smiled while offering to Sally.

"Nope. I'm fine. Is that what you want to know?" Sally rejected the offer but sounding a bit of doubts in her tone.

" I don't think i dared to ask anymore question. It's like i don't know when i should talk to you and when i shouldn't talk to you because i talked to you everything just before this tragedy happened. I know you liked him. You liked Jonah but you just don't want to admit but why? We are sisters. You know i liked him but it was last time and it's nothing by now. Even if i know of it what will i do? Snatch him from you? That's the last thing in my to-do-list and the first thing is to give you my blessing. I'm disappointed that you never think of my feelings as well. But i know that there'll be one day, you come to tell me that he proposed to you and i'll definitely be your maid of honor..." Olie thought about it and she didn't give any reply to Sally. But suddenly, Sally stood up and slapped Olie and it sure attracted some attention from nearby. 

"Why.." Olie's eyes was already filled with tears and just the right moment it'll be rushing right out.

"If you're thinking what i'm thinking then you're so wrong! You ARE my best sister i ever had and no matter what i'm going to let you be my sister whether you like it or not!" Sally shouted right in front of her and she burst out with tears so as Olie. Olie was so touched and she couldn't imagine for that very moment she knew she made the right choice. To let go of her lousy attitude of wanting to know everything and making life complicated for everyone around. She then pushed her chair away and hugged Sally. A huge sister huge...

A Narrative Part 1

"Of all friends, why them? I've already been through so much. I've change my self from being hated to getting liked. But why just this very time you come and tell me are still friend? I just hope i could pretend that nothing happened between us before and i shall just let everything go and be us as before." Olie Dale, a girl from the opposite town, mumbling to herself and looking out of the window. 

The air was damp and the night was silent. Not even a single soul appearing under her chatting list. Seems to her that everyone is avoiding her and not talking to her. But actually it's just a Friday night when everyone is having fun out there and nobody invited her. That's all. She's been good for most of the time already but she's still not satisfy enough. People around her are appreciating what she has done and all her kind help but to her, it's not enough because her best friends are letting her down and not being so best to her anymore.

After a while, she stood up from her chair and walk to the door. Shutting the door behind her, she walked to the kitchen to grab a glass of hot chocolate so warm herself. As she was making the drink for herself, she continued to think about the incident happened to her.

"It's such unfair. I've use all of me to be a good friend of you. We laughed, we joked we cried together we even shared our clothes. We're so close that we're almost sisters already but why now? Why after you moved out and you began to change? I don' know how to convince myself... If one day, you would just walk out with the guy whom i used to loved, i'll definitely give you my blessing but please, allow me to hinder myself because i may not know how to react at the very moment." she mumbled to herself again and she was already finish making her hot chocolate.

Olie took a sip and felt all the satisfaction for the night. She need more than a drink. She needs a guy. A guy who would really give her the strong and reliable shoulder to lean on. Doesn't matter if the shoulder is not so broad but she just need the comfort and safety from him. In short, his love....

Truth vs Misunderstanding

Back again from all the absence and time really pass like MAD... Things happened so fast and so many. I wonder why 2011 is such a bad beginning already. But i'm never down for whatever is up because i'm always being the icon of people around me and they all kinda depend on my emotion. A single twist and hip can cause a lot of trouble around already. 

What is so much of the trouble that happened to me? All i could say is hiding and hiding. Friends around me are hiding, may be not really hiding but they're just not telling the situation to me. All they know is not telling will cause less trouble but don't they know that when they don't tell they're really hurting the person more which is me  for the matter of fact. Why? It's easy. When i come to know of the real situation, i'm not likely to be blamed but i still blamed myself for being such a lousy and extra. 

I haven't say anything yet to the one whom i had hurt deeply. I truly wish that people can just get over with it as in we are more than friends already and what's more is that you know i do stupid things like that yet you take it to the heart so much. If you don't see the big picture of it i can't make you see it too you know? We are already being so close and we shared maybe not yet the hardest but we've already been through things that you may not have to go through with others and that should make you think of it. I can talk and laugh and joke about anything but nothing can be done when you're still shrugging your shoulders and showing the stupid and lousy attitude towards me. It sure brings me to the point where i won't do anything more. But, but, but, I'm still here and always. Never gone. I'm sure no one can give you the advice i gave and no one can give you the insights i gave as well. Surely, it's always yourself to judge what am i to you and where do i stand inside you. Fair? Farewell.

Before the ending of the post, where do i find all the strength to fight all the hardships when and especially when i'm all by myself? Ask from a prayer. I just hold on no matter what disaster, hold on as tight as i can and you'll find that it's actually not such a bad day after all... 

Night With Confession

What's wrong with you? You should change!  Be a MAN! You are not suppose to be like that!

Phrases by phrases cutting through my wound opening it wide and spreading the pain more. I can't help but to agree and think about it. So, I'm blessed with wonderful family, unique voice, different appearance, amazing friends, great advising technique but without knowledge. However, you're missing another piece, 7 years of life without drama but dramas from close friends. What? Why? I have nothing in me yet i helped people? I want to be helped! I want all the experience and lousy time but i don't. God is loving me too much to let me suffer that way but the another so that i will grow ever strong than anyone else. 

Another missing piece, is not me who doesn't want to change and following fate IS i don't know how to fight it back! Now i know but how strong and determine i can get to fight it? Time tells. When all the fate is tricking me, when all the luck is gone, when all wishes are not coming, inside and deep down i have hope. Hope with no way to go a new way appear and leading me into a new place where things are different from now and the way it should be. 

For the more(furthermore), Lord bless me with the heart to soul to care about you and why not blessing others with it? Because He knows that i can handle it better and probably suitable than any others. But you are to be cared nothing MORE or LESS than that! I have no autorithy to ignore that call but if you take it for granted and start to make that caring you is such a big deal than i CAN turn away and let whoever is there left to take care of you. Be grateful when someone is actually caring about you! Not thinking that why you cared so much? Don't get it? Then don't need to get it. Plus, you're not the first i'm caring of so don't be such ridiculous and make it a BIG DEAL!

I'm desperate, I'm thirsty, I'm waiting patiently for the right time. Everything happened and if there are more to happen then come on! I have nothing more to lose but more to gain. I seriously hoping for the real  me to emerge from me. I was told i have it in me but it's not portraying yet. When is the right time? Please., tell me.

Weekday Blue

I miss all my firends already! What to do, they're all not around during holidays but for those who are coming back to join me i'm very glad you do and i am waiting very patiently!

I felt so bad that my friend actually broke up with his partner. It was believed that she lied to him and cheated on him. She has another guy with her well, of course, with out his knowledge with by coincidence my friend discovered. He said he is very fine with being single at the moment so i think you better be or else forget bout your status!

Is it me or what that i am not so obsessed with love this few weeks. Perhaps because i'm enjoying my time with games and of all i get to ravel but a very tiring one! Who gets the point? They... Oh wells. I just wish you can give me a peace of mind and let me enjoy now! You're like hunting me you know and it's not enjoyable to talk about it. Go away...

Oh, Masquerade ball is coming! I can wait no longer and i miss my boy!!! If you would show up that's the best but that's also the least i hope of. Please take good care of yourself while i'm away. Happy day!

Calling From Elders

Elders in this context i not literally the elder we have at home but rather the elder i have in heaven. I suddenly receive this call to talk to him about his problem. Why? i don't know because first i never talk to him second, he probably hates me. But, why is the call so strong and urging? Isit me or what?

My final for this semester i coming like few more days and i'm still blogging my way here. This is just not working... What should i do to get myself in the mood? Actually i am in the mood just that i am evaluating myself highly. And it's just effing.. 

If i can choose to find one thing to aid me right now. It would be a person whom i loved and who loved me more. If and if only, cupid would find the way to me...

Special? No way....

It's such a pleasant day to hang out with friends studying whole at at Starbucks! Ya Starbucks! It's something new for me as i never actually study at places like that but surprisingly we managed to study till like almost all of them! Cool right? But it's just being together and kill time makes the moment precious. Oh... We had like latte, mocha and caramel. You should try caramel if you want something sweet, latte as something more or less coffee -like and mint mocha for sweet and chocolaty...

But happy times just ends so fast and we had dinner together. Seems like having a meal sitting with him doesn't make things any weirder and OMG i haven't thank him for the drink he paid! Thank you for paying for my drink! (Hope you read though) Here comes the whole day of event. Something that is so much different from usual.

Looking back it's a lot of fun time but it's never fun for me until i finally realise that being someone dfferent is more than a burden to me already. If just one day, like i said, waking up, feeling all normal hagging out with bunch of guys, how cool will that be? If i would ever get that only day and particular chance... It's just me alone sometimes... (nevermind the words in the picture below)

Just need a warm hug and a whole bowl of ice cream to cheer me up! All the best for tomorrow!

Dedicate

If you're a huge fan of Zac Efron, you will defnitely love this very post! I'm dedicating this to all my friends that - love is indeed not a game so if you're holding onto one make sure it is tight and if you felt it loose on one side start to let it go and don't even think of looking back.

Then, when i was still thinking that am i always flirting with people too much, i began to think that i really do. My friends always say i flirt and seduce but that's not true.. It's just my way of communicating. Perhaps i do sometimes... (look at that on the below! sweet!)

But isn't that just human nature? May be it's just my own nature because i'm lacking of that. I should say i'm cursed from love. Duh... But for one thing., i always believe in love even though it's not blessed...

Emotion Takeover

It's not just me being shaky but it's my emothion causing it. I have already done the best and you (damn you) rejected my work just saying not related. How dare you even spite that out of your fat lips when you never show us a damn smaple of how to produce a perfect one like our philosophy lecture did? He sure is 1000x better than you miss! Think over it. to you it's easy but to us we never could understand what you want until you show us and you never do. So back of before i would ever explode!

Oh my... i seriously miss you so much English 2! Why you wan tot leave... if you haven't leave that fat a** would never come and tragedy like that would no happen. I wish you could drop by and say hi.Even though is dreaming would dream come through. Oh., SPM is like so soon too so, boy! you just have to work super hard to get over with it okays? I am sure you are going to be more than fine... Miss you...

Desperate Desires

I just saw my friend walking into a new relationship. In fact both of them are my friends and i do hope that they'll work well together. I don't think they have meet each other for at least 6 months but they're already committing in a relationship. And he first say "I love You" in the cinema theater. Isn't that so sweet? I seriously wish i could have it too.. But who knows?

  

If all i want is just to someone who loves me. The kind of intimacy love. Can you give me?

True Love

It's such a wonderful thing to find true love and realising that it's such a beautiful lie at the same time too. But i still wish all my friends all their best to maintain the relationship they have. Those who are just starting, those who are in deep love and those who are going to engage! Don't even tell yourself isit too early because everything happens for a reason.


I am now at the same time fighting for my own way to recovery. However, i trust that i will always find the reason why i have all this at some time in the future...


Before i run, my brother here again the day before he leaves for Singapore... Miss him so much!


Good day!

A truth

Truth hurts but truth makes me stronger. The moment i know that it is not meant to be mine i am so just devastated but at the same time i managed to make myself as strong too. I won't feel that bad until i get total reject so what's wrong with me?

I just love to have a new lil brother again. I never found that a little care would result in a true confront so... *smile* We were playing Taboo and he is just so good with his father. Lots of common stuff~

Miracle of Love

I found this 2 very interesting. They are a miracle living in this so real world... If i would ever have love, i will hold on to it very tight and let nothing slips through my fingers. 


I already ponder to your heart but you never let me in. I wished i could have felt the love easier. I know i don't have all the qualities to let you fall for me but... who will in this world fall for me? No one will... i will still love myself for everything! Miracle., please work on me. I pray...

Deserves or not?

I don't know whether i deserves to be loved or to love someone. I always wanted to tell you how much you are in me. I couldn't spend a single day without reminding i must talk to you the next time we meet because we may not be meeting more than these....


A single reason for loving you is because Je vous aime